The Unusual Adventure of Jeremy Pataki
by bilbonoblebaggins127
Summary: Young Jeremy Pataki is spending the summer with just one thing on his mind: his beautiful neighbor Diane Sawyer. But when Jeremy's world is turned upside down, will the mysterious figure who shows up at his house be able to save the day?
1. Chapter 1

I walked down to the corner market that afternoon with not a thought in my head. It was summertime, which meant that I didn't have to spend my days thinking about math and reading and science. So, as usual, I chose to think about nothing at all. Nothing besides Diane Sawyer, that is. Not the news lady Diane Sawyer, but the Diane Sawyer who lives across the street from me. She sure was a looker, that Diane, what with her golden-brown hair, her grass green eyes, and her wonderful laugh. I went a little giddy every time I thought about her. _Diane, Diane, Diane_… These were the thoughts that filled my otherwise-empty adolescent brain as I strolled in the corner market and then back out of the store a few minutes later, a huge bag of Crunchies cradled in my left arm, and my right hand shoveling the cheesy goodness into my mouth one huge handful at a time. The crunchy combination of pretzels and cheese-covered chips made me almost as giddy as thinking about Diane did.

As I made the short trek back to my house, which stood only a few blocks away, I started to feel a little nauseous. It wasn't obviously life-threatening, so I ignored it and continued shoving the wonderfully delicious chips into my cheese powder-covered mouth. But when I got about a block away from my house, I felt it: a sharp, shooting pain somewhere in my side. I yelped and dropped the chip bag as I clutched my side and bent over, trying to relieve the pain. It didn't go away. If anything, it just got worse. As the seconds passed, the pain increased so I could barely stand it. Eventually, I found myself lying on the ground, staring at my fallen chip bag and inwardly sobbing for the chips that had fallen on the dirty ground. The five second rule had long since been broken.

But soon something happened that took my attention away from both the excruciating pain in my side and the fallen chips. Some of the orange bits that lay on the ground began to move. They stood upright, grew little arms and legs, and began marching towards me. I thought it was some hallucination; that the pain was messing with my head; that some joker had drugged my Crunchies… until suddenly, the chip in the lead, a cheese-puff, began to speak. "Surrender!" it shrieked in a tiny, shrill voice.

"What?" I barely managed to squeak out in my surprise.

"Surrender, human, or face our terrible wrath!" cried the cheese-puff.

"Oh my gosh!" I cried. I tried to blink the sweat out of my eyes and focus better on the advancing figure, but more just kept pouring out of my hair and my forehead. I winced as a new stab of pain shot through me.

"Ah, I see you feel the effects of our warriors on the inside!" cried the tiny chip.

"What?" I squeaked out again. My brain desperately tried to make sense of what was happening here. "But… but you're a chip!"

"Aha, so you think, small and insignificant human!" I thought this was a very ironic comment, but decided to hold my peace. "We are not chips, but conquerors of worlds! We have sacrificed millions upon billions upon trillions of our kind, cookie and candy and chip, to infiltrate into your homes and lives, and now we shall conquer you from the inside out! We have been waiting patiently for just the right time to strike, and now we have it! With most of your population weak and unable to fight due to the effects of all of our bretheren, this world shall fall easily into our hands!"

"S-so you're telling me… Snack food is taking over the world?" I asked through gritted teeth. Another wave of pain shot through my stomach. It felt like it was growing. "GAH, what are you doing to me?"

"Muahahaha! Those are our brothers, eating you away from the inside! Well, not you, as in your flesh, but they are eating away at your health, your youth, your vigor! We shall take it all for ourselves and leave you in a weak and pitiful state, young human! Fear us and surrender!"

"No! I can't! You guys are insane! I'm insane! I'm talking to a chip! Go away, just go away!" I screamed and closed my eyes. There was silence after this last shrieking comment on my part, but still I kept my eyes closed in terror. I imagined the chip people jumping on my and eating my flesh. I imagined them carrying me off to their chip-bag spaceship and dissecting me like some sick science experiment. I imagined them, in an inverted twist of fate, turning me into a cookie and eating me whole...

My whole body was tense as I waited to find out what death felt like.

Needless to say, I almost jumped out of my skin when I heard a noise break the tense silence.

"Jeremy?"


	2. Chapter 2

My whole body was tense as I waited to find out what death felt like.

Needless to say, I almost jumped out of my skin when I heard a noise break the tense silence.

"Jeremy?"

But the voice that came then was very different from the Cheese-puff-leader voice. My heart skipped a beat as I realized who it was. Diane! Oh no, had she heard me yelling at the chip? I opened my eyes slowly and stared at the now inert forms of the supposed "conquerors of worlds," now looking innocently like a bunch of chips that had been spilled on the ground. "Jeremy?" came the voice again, sweet and soft. I threw my gaze upwards towards its source and found myself looking into the beautiful blue eyes of my sweet love, Diane.

"D-Diane!" I gasped. Another wave of pain shot through me. "M-my stomach." I groaned and clutched at it even tighter.

"Oh, poor thing," Diane said. She knelt beside me and gently touched the spot next to my white-knuckled hand. Instantly, the pain ceased. It was like a miracle. One minute I felt like I was dying, and the next, I was perfectly fine. Diane really was an angel from heaven! I was incredibly relieved at my sudden release from pain, but I didn't want to look suspicious after all of the fuss, so I pretended to be in agony still. Truthfully, I think I overdid it a little bit, just for the attention. Diane helped me to my feet and supported me all the way home. In between my moaning and groaning, she rubbed my back and reassured me that it would be all right, that I would be home soon and could take some medicine and feel all better. I soaked up her presence, her touch, and her words. I was ten feet above the pavement, floating on cloud nine. When we got to my blue-painted, two story house, she opened the door, took me over to the couch, and helped me lie down.

My mother heard us and came rushing in. She immediately took charge, asking me what was wrong and forcing some antacid pills down my throat; but still Diane stayed, that wonderful girl, my ravishing beauty, the best friend I ever had, the lover of my soul! Finally, after mom left and I lay slumped on the couch, now regretting my over-the-top act due to the chalky taste in my mouth, Diane got up and said, "Well, see you tomorrow, Jeremy. Hope you feel better."

"Thank you, Diane. See you," I called after her. She gave me a small smile and shut the door.

Immediately after the door was shut, my mother came bustling back in the room, a dripping wet washcloth in her hand. "Why, it was certainly surprising to see little Diane over at our house, wasn't it, Jeremy dear? Oh, she's such as sweet girl, always helping people and doing her homework… At last, that's what her mother tells me. A rather shy girl, she is." Mom plopped the freezing piece of wet cotton onto my perfectly fine forehead. "And how are you feeling, darling? Any better? Did you eat something awful today in the cafeteria? Oh, I keep telling myself I need to make you packed lunches, I just never seem to have time in the mornings! So busy… Speaking of which, I need to go to the bank tomorrow afternoon and deposit that check, and then there's the award ceremony at the country club for your father, and then I'm making dinner for the Williamsons, they just lost their great-aunt three times removed, poor dears… I really must write all of this down…" At this point I simply tuned my mother out. She could rant like nobody else I knew. My thoughts, given no other occupation, immediately turned to the mutant chips. I wondered if they could somehow sneak through my window in the night and take me by force. The fact that they were lying on the side of the road gave me a little sense of extra security, but not much. Maybe I really would get turned into a cookie after all! I immediately began thinking of how to chip-proof my room.

I had only just thought of buying a flock of starving birds to guard me during the nights when my brainstorming was interrupted by a sudden sound: the ringing of the doorbell. Mom peeked through the eyehole and announced to me in the loudest voice imaginable, "Oh, why it's Diane, Jeremy! My, twice in one day, you must have really made an impression!" She giggled in her annoyingly oblivious way and swung open the oak door. I groaned and quickly ducked behind a couch cushion so I couldn't see Diane's face; and, better yet, she couldn't see how red mine was.

"Hello Mrs. Pataki. I just came to give this back to Jeremy. He dropped it when he fell over, and there were some chips left, so I thought maybe he might want them back." My heart stopped as I heard the unmistakable sound of a rustling Crunchies bag. My Crunchies bag. The one filled with dozens of mutant chip warriors. Why, oh why, had Diane gone back for that stupid bag? Why couldn't she just leave things alone? Faintly my subconscious registered the sounds of Diane saying goodbye and my mother closing the door. But the rustling of the chip bag was louder than I imagined it could possibly be. It was almost like somebody had hooked it up to a sound system and was blaring it into my ears. And it was getting closer, closer, always closer….

A tap on my shoulder jerked me violently out of my terrifying thoughts. The first thing I saw was the Crunchies bag, right in front of my face. "Ahhh!" I shrieked and slapped the bag away, sending the pieces flying everywhere.

My mother stood in complete shock as I stared at the unmoving pieces and tried to stop hyperventilating. "Jeremy Fitzgerald Pataki, what on earth was that? Diane brought those chips all the way from down the street for you, and you act like they're the plague. I just don't know what's gotten into you today."

"Uh… It's just my stomach, Mom. It hurts soooo much," I said, quickly remembering that I was supposed to be in throes of agony. I clutched my stomach, flopped face-down onto the couch, and groaned as loudly as I could.

"Oh, poor thing. Well, why don't you just rest and drink your Ginger Ale, and I'll clean up this mess. Alright, sweetie? I just want my boy feeling better." With that, she gave me a kiss on the top of my buried head and swept out of the room. With the ear not buried in the couch cushions, I listened as she got out the vacuum and sucked up the chips that lay scattered across the floor. Then I heard the sound of the chip bag, which not long ago was so loud and horrifying, growing softer and softer until it disappeared altogether. I gave a sigh of relief and relaxed. Now maybe I could think of Diane and her black hair and blue eyes…


	3. Chapter 3

The next thing I knew, I was waking up. The house was semi-dark; it looked like it was twilight outside. I slowly lifted my head up out of the cushion, winced at the crick in my neck, and wiped the drool off of my face. "Mom?" I called. The house was unusually silent. It almost sounded deserted. And unexplained panic gripped me. "MOM?" The sound of my lonely voice echoed through the house. No sound could be heard besides a faint rustling. I got off of the couch slowly and cautiously. "Mom? Is that you?" No answer. The rustling sound grew louder and more distinct as I neared the kitchen. "H-hello?"

"Hello!" came a lively, yet unfamiliar, voice from behind me. I gasped and turned quickly, my fists curled. But the sight of the man in front of me stopped me cold. He looked almost normal, with his spiky brown hair, pinstripe suit, white converse, and long tan coat. But there was something about him, some aura he gave off, that made me feel like this was a person I could never understand, yet could trust completely. I knew he was here to help. I noticed his arched left eyebrow as his gaze rested on my fists. Immediately, I dropped them to my sides.

"And what have we here?" he asked and flashed a smile in my direction. "A young boy defending his family home? That's what I like to see." He came closer and gave me a friendly pat on the shoulder. "Now, what might your name be, lad?"

"Je- Jeremy Pataki," I said, still a little shaken at the sudden appearance of a complete stranger in my home, a stranger who I somehow wasn't running away screaming from. "Are you here to help?"

The man looked me straight in the eye and said, "Yes. I am." I looked into his eyes in the fading light, and saw in them more than I could ever hope to imagine, see, or be. I nodded. I trusted him completely. "Great! Well then, let's get started!" The man whipped out a strange looking device from his pocket and clicked a button. Immediately the tip shone a bright blue. It looked like a laser. The man explained good-naturedly, "By the way, this is a sonic screwdriver, and I'm the Doctor." It was, without a doubt, the most incredibly epic moment of my life. That is, until the Doctor lowered his screwdriver and yelled, "Donna! Are you almost done in there?" I heard the distant flushing of a toilet, and a few seconds later a red-headed woman came bustling around the corner from the hallway.

"Alright, alright, you don't have to be so naggy, Alien Boy! I just had to use the loo, for goodness' sake. It's not like I can just hold it when we're saving the planet."

The last words of the woman's declaration startled me even more than her sudden appearance. "Saving the planet?" I asked incredulously.

"Yes," the Doctor said. "It's what we do, you see."

"Oh."

"Now, can you tell us about what's been happening here?"

Immediately, I poured out my story. Even as I described the mutant, world-conquering cheese-puffs and their plan for world domination, I felt like a loon. Who would ever believe that it was possible? But the Doctor and the woman, Donna, acted like I was simply describing a normal, everyday occurrence.

I finished my story on my waking up and finding the house deserted, and hearing the distant rustling, which may or may not have been the Crunchies bag. "Right," said the Doctor, pacing back and forth in the space between the living room couch and the entrance to the kitchen, where Donna and I were standing. "Right, right, right… small, edible life forms… conquerors of worlds… steal life from host beings…" He paced like that for a few minutes, his hands shoved deeply into his wild hair. Donna and I watched in silence, waiting. "AHA! Brilliant!" He whirled around to face Donna. "I know what they are," he said. "Biscuit-men, from the planet Snap, in the Teja galaxy."

"Planet Snap?" asked Donna dubiously. "Are you serious? What sort of name is that? How much more obvious can you get?... And Biscuit-men? Ha! Really? Couldn't they have been a bit more creative? I mean, these walking, talking crisps must be really thick!"

"Donna, these creatures are far more deadly than they sound. What they said to Jeremy is true; they have wiped out hundreds of civilizations before. They're probably more dangerous than most of the things we've faced so far, because they're small and quick and sneaky and almost impossible to get rid of. They infiltrate your planet and your food sources a little at a time, gradually moving in their almost innumerable force until almost every home on the planet is infested with these nasty little creatures. In silence, they begin to steal all health and vigor from the inhabitants. Then, when the time is right, the Commander gives the signal, and all at once, the Biscuit-men attack. They kill off all of their weakened hosts and keep the energy and life for themselves, just enough to move on to the next planet."

I could barely take in all that the Doctor was saying. But it all made sense. It certainly matched what the cheese-puff had told me. "But, how do you know all that?"

"I happen to know a lot of things, Jeremy. Just think of me as the walking encyclopedia of the universe." The Doctor gave me a friendly wink. "Now, let's go see what…"

"But, how do you know all of this stuff about the universe? I mean, we've only just got to Mars. How do you know what is out there?"

"Well, obviously, because I'm not human," said the Doctor. "I mean, do I really look human to you?"

"No," I said. The Doctor looked ready to move on, but I cut in again. "But what are you, then?"

The Doctor's left eyebrow flew up again. "Y'know, we really don't have time for this. We are on the cusp of a deadly Biscuit-man invasion." Silence. Nobody moved. The Doctor sighed resignedly. "Alright, alright, I suppose you deserve some explanation. In the shortest possible terms, I am a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey, and I travel around in a big blue box that's bigger on the inside and almost constantly save the earth and universe. Got all of that? Good, now off we go! To the kitchen!"


	4. Chapter 4

With that, the Time Lord from Gallifrey leapt courageously into my kitchen, his sonic screwdriver whirring like crazy. Donna and I followed, much less enthusiastically. I was still terrified by the thought of those Biscuit-men returning to kill me like they had so painfully attempted to do today.

The Doctor was flying around the room, opening and closing all of the cabinets and checking every corner, while simultaneously shooting off questions. "You're sure your mum would have put them away in here? There aren't any other options? Good, good. Now where is your mother? Ah, look, she left you a note! 'We're out of noodles. Gone shopping, be back in a jiffy.' Well, let's hope it's a good sight more than a jiffy. At least now we know she hasn't been eaten alive!"

Donna shot the Doctor an angry look and patted my back. "Not that it was ever an option, mind you."

I started to shake. "M-mom? What if she comes back? Will they eat her too? We have to warn her!"

I grabbed the phone and started pressing buttons, but the Doctor wrenched it out of my hands. "What are you going to tell her, Jeremy, that crisps have begun attacking and there's a strange man in the house helping you get rid of them? What will she do then?"

"She'll come back... But we can help her, we can protect her!"

"Wrong," said the Doctor. "I would do my best, but there is no way I can assure her safety against the Biscuit-men, even if she is with me. Her best chance is to stay far away from here. All of us right now are in extreme peril just standing in this kitchen. That's why we need to find that chip bag." He flipped open the cupboard where Mom kept the trash can and jerked out the metal container. There, sitting on the top, was the crumpled, dirty Crunchies bag.

"That's it!" I cried, shrinking backwards. "That's the bag!"

The Doctor picked it up, slowly and carefully. I held my breath, almost expecting the tiny mutant chips to jump out of it at any second. "Hmmm, there's definitely nothing special about this bag, just a normal piece of plastic. Not alien at all." He opened the top and peered inside. His face immediately lost all color. "It's empty."

"Doctor." Donna's voice sent a chill up my spine. It was a voice filled with pure terror. I followed Donna's line of sight, and when my eyes found what she was staring at, I almost passed out. Above our heads, on top of almost every ledge in the kitchen, a small army of Biscuit-men was standing. Their tiny white eyes stood out glaringly in the dark kitchen.

"Donna, turn on the light," said the Doctor's voice, slowly and softly. "But don't make any sudden movements. We must not startle them."

I squinted when the light hit my eyes, but forced them to stay open. I was utterly relieved when the Biscuit-men didn't immediately jump down and kill us all right where we stood. "Alright, everybody," said the Doctor calmly. "Move out the door." Donna and I shuffled backwards, herded on by the Doctor. "That's it, nice and quiet. Don't act threatening at all."

"Why aren't they attacking?" My whispered voice sounded incredibly loud in the tense silence of the kitchen.

"I'm not sure," said the Doctor. "My only guess is that they haven't been given the order. However, from what I can tell, you were the only one who was attacked thus far today. That means that the Commander hasn't given the master order yet, and that this bag of crisps might be a rogue unit, not expressly following commands from the top… That or they were given express orders to go after you for some reason. Either way, any threat to them might immediately result in our deaths. And from what I can tell, most of this unit has been reduced to crumbs, which is not good news for us. Crumbs are smaller and quicker, and they're the ones who normally do the actual life-taking."

By this point, we were almost to the door of the kitchen. It was eerie to see all of the cheese-puff eyes staring at us, following our progress, and yet the owners of the eyes never moved a muscle – or whatever it is that chips use to move.

_BANG**! **_At the sound, everybody – alien, human, and mutant alien chip – jumped at least ten feet in the air. "RUN!" cried the Doctor as the army of Crunchies gave a shrill cry and threw themselves off of the ledges in our direction. I gave a highly unmanly shriek and started to sprint towards the direction of the front door, but I tripped over Donna's feet. Immediately, I felt thousands of little pinpricks all over as the tiny aliens landed on me. Most of them moved towards my mouth, which was open in a scream.

"Close your mouth!" The Doctor's voice boomed loudly over the Biscuit-man war cry. Fighting all of my instincts, I followed his instructions. The crumbs and cheese-puffs amassed around my sealed lips, but they couldn't get in. I felt the Doctor's hands grip under my armpits and pull me to my feet. "Keep running!"

I stumbled over the edge of the carpet, but didn't lose stride. I was running for my very life. In front of me, I saw Donna pushing my startled mother out the door. I assumed it had been her slamming the car door that had caused the Biscuit-man attack to erupt. I was glad we had intercepted her before she had entered the kitchen and been suddenly attacked by small crumbs. She probably would have lost her head completely and we might not have been able to get her out alive.

Almost blindly, I followed the Doctor out the door. He slammed it behind us and soniced it with his flashy screwdriver. "That'll hold 'em for a few minutes," he declared, stowing the screwdriver back into his coat pocket. When he withdrew his hand, it was clasping a small key. "To the TARDIS, everybody!"


End file.
